I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
