Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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