OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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