yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
