I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
