I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
