My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
