So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
