I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
