My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
