Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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