i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
