Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
