i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
