This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
