Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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