Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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