Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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