No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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