Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
