good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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