You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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