my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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