At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
