so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
