i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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