mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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