I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
