I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
