Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
