she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
