I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
