whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
