Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
