end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need moral support for this bender
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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