Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The beer is more important than you right now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
