getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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