She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
