Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
