Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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