my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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