dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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