Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
