theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
