genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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