Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
