Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
