I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
