remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
