i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
